It's funny how time gets away from us. Here we are doing what we do day to day, our routines, birthday's, regular life events, stuff. One minute you update your website for the New Year and the next thing you're realizing it's May and you haven't posted in 5 months. I guess part of that is that there' really nothing exciting or life changing to be posting about. Real life, at least for those of us who are part of the mass of humanity, is typically not very exciting in its routines and regular life-ness. So a quick update of the past 5 months. More hormone shit, the ongoing, seemingly never ending quest to mellow out the ups & downs occurring in my body which, as it now seems, is more than just what product I'm using and at what dose, there is the mystery of how doing the same dose every day can yield such dramatic swings in estrogen, as we have seen over the past month on the latest Femring .1. Dave is churning away at his job as he has done for over 30 years as the company is in the process of acquiring parts of Hawaii to service; he remains in hybrid work, 3 days in office, 2 days in home. Christine continues to ride the ebbing and flowing life of her own doing, Josh and Brenna are going strong and will be moving in together next month; a big, regular life milestone. Mom is doing her best with her 90 year old body, but things seem to be continuing to slowly deteriorate; along with needing a new knee, she may need a new foot joint, one that she is unlikely to get. She says she may be a cripple. Her words, not mine.
Our family trip to Hawaii turned out to be pretty great. The kids had a grand time and were very independent, while Dave filled in where he was needed. As for me, of course my goal was to make sure mom had a fabulous time, hard to do with an elderly parent who is both aware of their limitations and not willing to fully accept all of them. Her short term memory can be tough to work with as she'll say one thing then later change her mind saying she never said it. That's the great thing about having had other people with me on this trip, witnesses; those who can confirm that she did say what she said and end an argument before it begins. Other times it's letting it go, knowing that I'm not crazy having heard her say one thing only for her to say she didn't say it, because everyone else heard her say it too. It is happening more and more, she'll say something about potentially getting a 2nd opinion on a diagnosis and then when I inquire about it a week later, she says she never said it. I do wonder if part of it is she's just chatting about things so not really meaning certain things and thus she doesn't retain it. Other times I wonder if her husband has said something, like "you don't need a 2nd opinion" so rather than tell me she changed her mind because of him, she just says she never said it. Nothing wrong with her memory on the things she wants or is interested in and certainly nothing wrong with her long term memory. I guess old age memory is selective. I do wonder if I'll be the same. I hope not, it will be quite frustrating for the kids.
After the Hawaii trip, and being back home for a week, mom was keen to discuss the possibilities of a life without her husband, whether it be from him passing or her leaving. She said she so enjoys the positivity of being around me and the family and she's just sick of the anger and negativity of her husband. We made a whole plan of options that included her moving to CA and all of us going to Humboldt together. She would have her own place but we'd all be on the same land plot. I would be her care giver, although that was never clearly stated, it certainly was implied. I felt some relief that she was willing to come here and let us be her support as she enters into her last years. I feel she could be truly happy and enjoy what time she has left being surrounded by happy people who love her. Now, over a month later, there is no mention of such things. In fact, when she was telling me about Aunt Sandy, her sister who is not doing well and is possibly on her last months, she mentioned she didn't want to be in the predicament her sister is in with no family wanting to be around. I responded that I would always make sure to take good care of her, she said "I'm not moving to CA!" So....yeah.
Overall, whether it's mom, Dave's job, our future, everything is currently in some state of limbo. It's...what word do I use? Unsettling? Irritating? Frustrating? to be in this constant state, waiting for the next thing that has to happen before we can move forward in this phase of life. We know that we don't want to live in OC, but also don't want to give up the house here...once you sell, you will never be able to afford to buy back in when we have grand children and want to be closer to family. As it is, we could't afford to buy the house we've got now if we had to buy it with today's prices and rates. We also can't give up Dave's reasonably well-paying job, but they currently aren't willing to let him be remote, only hybrid work. Without the money (job or otherwise), we can't move, so, we wait for whatever it is that's going to push the limbo cart into action.
I'm will do my best not to wait another 5 months to write. Considering I have a 60th birthday approaching, one would hope I get my ass on here to, at minimum, shares pics and reflect on this milestone birthday. But frankly, the way my life has gone and in particular, how my milestone birthdays' have gone, I wouldn't hold your breath for anything spectacular. My 18th birthday was spent baby sitting 2 friends who took acid. My 21st birthday was spent being sick. My 30th birthday was pretty good, not quite the huge bash I had planned, but certainly a good one. My 40th I spent flying to Europe, a single woman traveling with her mother. My 50th was a bust, a mishmash handful of people I knew but not the surrounded by tons of friends (old and new) along with a joyous family having a blow out party to celebrate making it halfway. And now my 60th, a party I have dreamed of for decades that was going to be on our land with all of our friends from around the globe & the new friends we had made with our land project, and of course family, enjoying a beautiful outdoor set up among the trees, complete with picnic tables, abundant fresh foods, and twinkle lights. Even the back up plan hatched a year or so ago, is a bust. I wanted to go to France and visit several of the Chateaus we have watched over the years on TV. A two week trip to stay in half a dozen places, take in the sights, sounds and foods of France and enjoy my birthday doing something I love. But the trip to Hawaii, so mom could be there at least one more time and be with family, took precedence and it WAS my choice. So I can't complain (even though apparently am) that my 60th is going to be a regular day, probably dinner takeout and a cake, (although I really want pavlova which I'll have to make myself) and it will be the 5 of us (me, Dave, Christine, Josh, Brenna) as usual.
